When a relationship is in serious trouble and connection unravels, and emotional distance becomes painful, a couple has essentially three choices:
1. Continue as is… ongoing conflict and misery.
2. End the relationship… divorce and the end of dreams.
3. Carve out a new relationship through taking time apart… commonly known as a ’trial separation’, which has little evidence of success, and rarely done well without therapeutic support.
A ‘trial-separation’ is often unplanned and unstructured, seldom started as a mutual decision. Typically, one partner finds the idea of a separation quite useful, while the other partner is very reluctant. This type of split seems to occur about 80% of the time. Often, one partner feels strongly that time apart is necessary, while the other feels resistant, frightened, or possibly devastated by the idea. This imbalance creates significant emotional pain, and without support, it’s where misunderstandings and regrettable decisions often occur.
The “Healing Separation”
There is a skilful option that is often misunderstood about taking time out from daily life together to thoughtfully understand and heal this relationship pain.
This type of separation is a structured time apart which can help a couple heal, revitalise and renew a relationship that isn’t working. The support of an experienced relationship therapist helps both partners take responsibility for, and fully explore, what each needs to learn and take responsibility for to address the emotional pain, the strong feelings, and needs experienced by both partners. The reluctant partner may even learn to appreciate having extra time to work on their personal growth and may eventually appreciate the initiator’s decision to have this time apart.
Time apart, when thoughtful, can function as a circuit breaker, allowing each person to step out of entrenched patterns and return with greater insight and choice. Over time, even the initially reluctant partner may come to value the space as an opportunity for their own reflection and personal development. This will allow you to evaluate if both can create a new and more fulfilling relationship, or plan a respectful, compassionate end to your relationship.
What Is a Healing Separation?
The Healing Separation is a working, planned separation, in which you and your partner give yourselves time and space to invest in your own personal growth, putting off the decision as to whether or not to end the relationship until some future time.
The Healing Separation has
- an agreed framework
- agreed commitments, safety measures, and goals
- is time limited
- professional therapeutic support.
Why Couples Might Agree to a Healing Separation
With skilled therapeutic guidance, both partners are supported to:
- process the emotional impact of the separation
- take responsibility for their own personal growth
- reduce blame and reactivity between themselves
- gain insight into what each need for a healthier relationship
- work together on mutual relationship goals.
The goal of a Healing Separation is to transform the foundation of the relationship, moving away from patterns of dissatisfaction, imbalance, or emotional dependence, and toward greater equality, self-respect, and emotional safety.
Research and clinical experience consistently show that the success of a Healing Separation is closely linked to the personal growth each partner undertakes during this time. If both parties are committed and motivated to work on their self-relationship, the chance of their renewed relationship lasting is particularly good.
A Professionally Supported Approach
With professional support, couples are better able to:
❑ Take the pressure off a troubled relationship:
A couple can overcome the inherent differences in their attitudes, goals, and motivations of the initiator and the reluctant person.
❑ Repair breaches of trust, respect, or safety in your relationship:
Each person can work through the stumbling blocks that sabotage their love relationship.
❑ Transform your relationship with yourself:
You want to create the steps towards a relationship that allows you to be yourself and enhances your individual identity, and to do so, you need some time and space apart to figure things out.
❑ You and your partner are projecting your unhappiness onto each other:
Time apart with a plan for personal growth could help you learn to accept individual responsibilities in your lives.
❑ Break patterns of conflict:
Old, conflicted patterns may need a circuit breaker for each person to learn healthier patterns of interaction and how each can contribute to positive change.
❑ Express your independence from your family patterns for the first time:
You may have built a love relationship bridge much like your parent’s and need to understand how to dismantle these triggers and patterns.
❑ To end your love relationship on a positive note:
Beginnings and endings are important markers in our lives as they provide clarity and reduce the possibility for transporting “unfinished business” from one experience to another.