Families often pass their relationship styles from generation to generation, so recognising past patterns can help families choose a better path. Conflict coaching can really help families rebuild trust and cooperation, and steer relationships towards a brighter future.
Notice the Patterns You’ve Inherited
How we love, argue, withdraw, or care, often reflects patterns handed down over generations. When we pause to observe these inherited styles, we open up space to choose differently.
It’s important to consider the influence of past intergenerational relationship patterns in family relationships. Understanding and observing these patterns with curiosity, (not with fault and blame), can help you lead changes in your family’s current story, not just for today, but for past and future generations too.
In my work with individual clients and families, tools like a genogram, visual map of emotional relationships across generations, can reveal the unspoken rules, repeated roles, and unhealed wounds that intrude into the way we want to relate to each other. When there have been family challenges or crises in the past, such as isolation or ostracism, alcoholism, or an acrimonious divorce, there are important questions to ask to understand the impact of what happened, and how you can improve your current relationships and the relationships of future generations.
Track Your Emotional Reactions
In families, emotions run high because the stakes are high. We care deeply about being seen, supported, and understood. That’s why a small comment can ignite a big reaction. Emotions are contagious in families. Anger fuels more anger.
If you find yourself in an emotional conversation, pause before you respond. When something triggers you, pause and notice your reaction, rather than being lead or overwhelmed by it. What are you really feeling? Anger? Hurt? Shame? A tool like the wheel of emotions can help you unpack it. This gives you time to choose your response rather than saying something you might later regret. Then, when you respond thoughtfully, your family members are more likely to do the same If you show up calm and grounded, you give others a better chance to do the same. This isn’t easy, but it’s powerful.
Listen to Understand, Not to Win
When conversations get tense, our instinct is to argue our point, to persuade or defend our position. But true connection starts with listening, not just ‘active listening’, rather listening with purpose: curious, open-hearted listening. Try asking questions that invite exploration and shared insight into each other’s perspectives, rather than shutting people down.
“Can you help me understand that?” is often more effective than “Why would you say that?” If your tone and body language say, I’m listening and I care, your family member is more likely to soften their attitude too.
Speak Up, Gently
Avoiding conflict might feel like keeping the peace, but unspoken frustrations tend to resurface, often more forcefully fueld by resentment. Instead, find your voice, speak from “I” and be assertive. Assertiveness means being able to share objective, descriptive observations, describe what is important to you in this situation and what outcomes you can consider exploring with others.
Assertiveness also leads you to frame what you need to say in a way that the other person can listen without feeling criticised or defensive, therefore, without fault or blame. Share your thoughts with clarity and delete assumptions or accusations before you speak. Emotional honesty, grounded in intentional calmness and kindness, can build trust and reduce tension, even if it’s uncomfortable at first.
Take Responsibility for Your Side of the Fence
When families are in conflict, it’s tempting to focus on what others are doing wrong. But real change starts with you.
Ask yourself: What’s my part in this pattern? It might be a tone you use, a story you keep repeating, or a way you avoid discomfort. You can lead change by consistently showing up differently, contributing small changes. , When even one person starts to purposefully ,demonstrating awareness, care, and accountability, the whole system can shift. Change takes time, but it can cascade. A small step now can ripple through your family and your business over time.
After Every Conversation, Reflect
When there’s conflict, it’s tempting to blame other family members. Instead, consider what you can do to improve family relationships. Instead of replaying the same old argument, which we are all conditioned to do, ask yourself: What went well? What could I try differently next time? These small reflections compound over time. They help you grow into the kind of family member, and leader, you want to be. And that kind of leadership, grounded in humility and courage, strengthens both family connection and business success.
You don’t have to keep repeating the same painful dynamics. Whether you’re navigating family tensions with teens, a family business challenge, or simply wanting more peace at home—help is available.
